Can’t… breathe. Can’t… breathe. That is what I feel like when I’m having a panic attack triggered by social situations. This happened today at the library. This particular library is in the ghetto/city which made it even worse. Had my fiancé not been with me at the library I probably would have walked out before doing what I needed to do in there because of all the people inside.
Going to the grocery store is a struggle too. I always have to weave my way around people. I will literally avoid an aisle if there are people in it. Sometimes I walk out without what I need because someone was in the aisle the entire time I was as at the store.
I’ve spent most of my life wondering where I fit in in life. I have always been a quiet person in public. I’ll only talk to you if we’ve known each other for a long time. Heck, even if I’ve known you awhile I still might not feel comfortable talking to you. Now that I am in my mid-20’s I am beginning to wonder if I’ve gone most of my life with an undiagnosed case of mild autism.I can function fine in society aside from the social aspect, which in our society today is a huge thing. Our society puts huge pressure on us to be social and bubbly, especially in the work force. I seriously doubt I could function in a job where I would have to constantly interact with people face to face. I even have trouble talking to people on the phone. I had a job where I had to talk customers through issues, and the pressure I felt was immense. I always felt like if I didn’t get the issue resolved immediately or tell the customer what they wanted to hear than I was doing my job wrong. But more than that, I didn’t want to deal with any issues from the customer. I literally had panic attacks talking on the phone to people I will probably never meet in real life. Whether you meet the person or not is irrelavent. If you can hear their voice on the phone, you are socially connecting to them and I feel the same social pressure I would feel were I talking to them face to face. It’s gotten to the point where I am hesitant to post things on social media, comment on people’s posts, etc. because of social pressure.
And then there’s the burden you put on your family due to social anxiety. I am too afraid to learn how to drive, nor do I have the desire. Someone always has to drive me where I need to go and it is almost always my fiancé. I do not like having to get him to take me places constantly, but we need groceries. Usually he is not bothered by taking me places although I have to admit if I were in his shoes I would be annoyed with me sometimes always having to take someone to a store, even if it was my family. People are not perfect and we all get stressed.
The only way I’ve found to keep everyone happy is through money. I will pay for the gas, pay for the groceries, etc. to make up for the fact that I can’t drive myself places. I know this is not always necessary to pay for things but I feel obligated to do so. If the only way I can contribute is through helping with expenses most of the time, then so be it.
Someone like me needs a lot of alone time to process life in general. I’m not joking when I say I need a couple hours of alone time everyday just to de-stress from life. Thankfully, I am able to work at home while my fiancé works outside of the household, so getting in my couple hours of alone time works out perfectly for us. But by the time he gets home from work, I am ready to talk, talk, talk and he is ready to chill from working all day. I’m ready to go out and do things and he just wants to relax. Which is totally understandable, but can be frustrating at times. He is so amazing about taking me places when I want to get out of the house, sometimes I need to remind myself that just because I am home all day doesn’t mean he wants to automatically go places all the time, he works outside of the home, remember.
Well, that’s all for now. I will post more about this topic another day.